“My daughter is asking a lot of questions about her father who is in and out of her life. She wants to know why he doesn’t see her more, why other kids live with their fathers, “Doesn’t he want to be my dad?” and other difficult questions. I don’t know how much to share”. We often hear from single-parents with kids of all ages regarding how to help children cope with an absent or mostly absent parent.
These single-parents have the daunting task of raising a child with little or no assistance from the other parent, not by choice, but because the absent parent has abandoned the child. They know their child will have questions and experience sadness regarding the absent parent. The single-parent on their own is often worried about how to answer questions in a way that won’t make a bad situation worse.
If you find yourself in a parenting situation where the other parent is absent or mostly absent, you need a game plan on how to discuss the situation with your child. Even if a child isn’t openly asking questions, by the time they reach kindergarten, they have noticed that other families function differently. Left to their own devices kids often come up with their own conclusions. It’s probably not necessary to point out they are almost always the wrong conclusions.
- Don’t speak negatively about the other parent. This age-old advice for divorced parents holds true in this situation also. The fact that their father or mother chooses not to be a part of their life speaks volumes to children. No need to rub salt in the wound.
- Don’t sugar-coat the situation. Making excuses for the absent parent such as “he’s very busy” or “she works long hours at her job” isn’t helpful. Neither is changing the subject or ignoring questions. If anything, those responses potentially damage your relationship with your child. Children realize when a parent is covering for the absent parent. They wonder why you would defend them and what else are you less than honest about?
- Matter-of-fact honesty is your best policy. If you know, tell your child age appropriate levels of information about why the other parent isn’t around. Kids feel very rejected when a parent is absent. Make sure your child knows that just because the absent parent “doesn’t love and care for you the way he/she should doesn’t mean you’re unlovable” . There are numerous reasons a parent is absent in their child’s life. Guilt, addiction, incarceration and mental illness are a few. “He wasn’t ready to be a father”, or “she had some things she needed to work out” are good conversation starting points. Stress that it has nothing to do with the child; they didn’t cry too much as a baby, ask too many questions as a toddler or require too much help with their homework as a schoolage kid.
- Where possible, share positive memories of the absent parent. Children with an absent parent are starving for details about that person. After all, the child shares half their genetics with that parent. As children get older they wonder what they share in common with the absent parent. Having positive stories to draw from helps children find commonalities that are comforting and provide a small link between them.
- Be consistent in stating your unconditional love and commitment to your child. Stress that you aren’t going to abandon them no matter what they do. While this is important for all children, it is moreso for children with an absent parent.
- Be prepared to repeat yourself. Children often ask the same questions over and over. Repetition helps them solidify a concept in their mind. They also may ask just to be reassured by the same old predictable answer.
While there is no perfect or easy way to talk to children about an absent or mostly absent parent, being honest and providing some positives will help children work through this difficult situation. Children repeatedly ask the same questions, so if you think you could have done better on a certain subject, chances are you will get several more opportunites.